The 5 A.M. Club Has a Serious Problem With 4:59

FIVE O'CLOCK IMPROVEMENT SOCIETY

Extraordinary meeting concerning a premature start

The respondent, Mr Moss, is accused of waking at 4:59 and informing the group. Proceedings begin at 5:00. Members have been seated since 4:40. This does not count.

CHAIR: We need to establish what happened in the minute before our members became exceptional.

CLERK: The respondent's message reads, “Up already. Kettle on.”

CHAIR: Mr Moss, what did you mean by “already”?

MOSS: Before the alarm.

CHAIR: Before whose alarm?

MOSS: Mine.

CHAIR: You understand that it is also our alarm.

MOSS: You have your own.

CHAIR: Physically.

[The clerk places a photograph of the respondent's bedside clock on the table. The chair covers the final digit with his thumb.]

CHAIR: This is what members should have seen.

MOSS: I could have waited a minute to send it.

HESTER, membership secretary: Then you would have had a minute we didn't know about.

MOSS: I didn't do anything with it. I put on my slippers.

HESTER: At five, you were already in slippers.

[Several members examine the respondent's feet.]

HESTER: When I joined, my family thought five was extraordinary. They would ask about it at dinner. Now they simply accept that I go to bed halfway through things. I am working quite hard to maintain an advantage that you have removed by accident.

MOSS: I am sorry about that.

HESTER: There it is again. You have even beaten me to understanding my disappointment.

CHAIR: The society has invested substantially in five. It is embroidered on the dressing gowns. There are mugs in a warehouse. We have booked a photographer to show us beginning a journey beside a reservoir.

CLERK: The photographer asked whether we could do seven.

CHAIR: And we explained.

CLERK: We explained twice.

MOSS: Could I set my clock back a minute?

CHAIR: We are concerned with who you are when no one is watching.

CLERK: The photograph does have to be posted to the group.

CHAIR: Otherwise we cannot know who that is.

[The chair pours tea from a thermos.]

MOSS: When did you make that?

CHAIR: Four thirty.

MOSS: Were you up?

CHAIR: I was preparing the meeting.

MOSS: Out of bed?

CHAIR: In an administrative capacity.

[The clerk asks whether administrative waking should be entered in the minutes. The chair says that the minutes are already long.]

HESTER: I propose four fifty-eight as our new start. It puts us ahead of Mr Moss and gives the membership room to grow.

CLERK: Until someone wakes at four fifty-seven.

HESTER: Then we will have evidence that the programme is working.

[Motion carried. The society enjoys its new standard until a member at the back reveals that she woke at 4:56 to find a clean top.]

CHAIR: Four fifty-five.

[Over twenty minutes the start is advanced eleven times. Members initially count backward on their fingers. A whiteboard is brought out. Breakfast passes into the preceding evening.]

MOSS: When are we supposed to go to bed?

HESTER: The previous quarter. That information was in the welcome email.

MOSS: I joined this quarter.

HESTER: There is a catch-up programme.

CLERK: A note from the hall: the caretaker would like to put the chairs away.

CHAIR: We are not finished. Call the next witness.

CLERK: The sun was asked to attend at five. It has not appeared.

CHAIR: Has it read the message?

CLERK: We can't tell.

[The sun becomes visible at 6:42. The clerk checks his watch rather than the window.]

CHAIR: You are late.

SUN: I have other places to be.

CHAIR: Everybody here has other places to be. They made arrangements.

SUN: I did send a schedule.

CLERK: It gives these same hours every year, with minor variations.

HESTER: So there has been no improvement.

CHAIR: We need a plan for arriving before the day starts. A signed commitment would help.

SUN: If I arrive, the day starts.

HESTER: I would love to be able to say that about myself.

[The sun is advised to observe senior members, several of whom have already published photographs suggesting that they assist it. A supervised trial is agreed. The sun must arrive before sunrise without making it any earlier.]

MOSS: Could we go outside now? It looks quite nice.

CHAIR: This is exactly the attitude we are examining. You have mistaken an available morning for an earned one.

[The caretaker enters. He points to the booking sheet, waits, then begins stacking chairs.]

CLERK: He says he opened the hall at four.

[The chair puts the lid on his thermos.]

CHAIR: Did he post anything?

CLERK: No.

CHAIR: Then leave it out.

Fact and fiction: The society, hearing, characters, evidence and dialogue are invented. This is satire of competitive self-improvement, not reporting about an actual organization or advice about sleep.

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