Pope in a Lambo? That’s not the only sign of the end times.

Reader-supplied screenshot; the dating claim has not been independently verified.

What do you get when you take the world’s most untalented musicians (who’ve both sold their souls to Satan for fame), match them on Bumble and bribe them to have a child?

You get the end of days.

For end-times broadcaster Colin, the development required an immediate change of programming. He had spent the morning trying to explain how a reflection in a music video formed a number when viewed upside down. The new warning was in ordinary English.

After hearing of the prophecy, Colin dug into both the Cyrillic and the Latin texts.

“We have been so blind, God save us…” he said, as he slashed open the only unspotted lamb he could find on short notice: a K-pop singer.

One commenter suggested Sabrina Bunny.

“That is how they get you,” Colin replied.

Tess opened the passage identifying Jesus as a carpenter. It did not mention either singer.

“The names would have spoiled it,” Colin said.

He arranged the evidence on screen: GOOD CARPENTER on the left, BAD CARPENTER on the right. Several viewers who had struggled with his previous sixteen-part investigation said they were now following.

One asked whether the second column might refer to somebody who was simply bad at fitting a kitchen.

Colin removed the comment. They were discussing the end of days, not a warranty.

A soft launch before the end

The absence of an official announcement began to look significant.

“If you were introducing the Antichrist,” Colin asked, “would you start with a joint statement?”

Tess said she did not know the communications strategy.

“Exactly.”

A viewer wanted to know why the final confrontation between good and evil would involve pop stars.

Colin brought up a ticketing page and asked whether this was really the part they found difficult to believe.

He had once struggled to imagine millions of people voluntarily placing themselves at the mercy of a power they could not reason with. The presale queue had helped.

“What happens when he arrives?” Tess asked.

“Everyone will follow him.”

“Are we talking spiritually or on Instagram?”

Colin paused. He had not expected those to require separate answers.

By lunch, Tess had cut the first warning into a short clip. She removed Colin’s qualifications so it would reach more people. The remaining footage carried the words YOU WERE WARNED.

Colin approved it, then asked whether the warning could be delivered vertically.

The name was already working

By the afternoon, an acquisitions manager from Hell had requested a call.

Colin considered this an important development. Tess checked whether they had requested a fee.

The manager said he was not there to confirm the prophecy. He was interested in the name.

“It has recognition, conflict and an audience that believes missing the launch could be fatal,” he said. “That is a difficult brief.”

Colin asked whether it was not rather blatant to name the opposite of Christ Bad Carpenter.

The manager said subtlety had performed poorly with people watching on mute.

Tess reminded him that there was still no confirmed couple behind the proposed couple name.

“Then nobody has disappointed the fans yet,” he said.

Colin wanted to discuss souls. The manager wanted to know who owned the account.

They agreed that control was important.

Await the announcement

By evening, Colin had issued a second warning, a longer explanation of the warning and a response to people who felt the warning was attracting too much attention.

The response attracted more attention than the warning.

Tess suggested that they wait for an actual development before returning to air. Colin said that waiting was precisely what people had done before the last warning he had issued. She decided not to ask what had happened after that one.

He put the two names back on screen.

The good carpenter had asked people to follow him. Bad Carpenter had not even appeared, and accounts were already gathering followers on the name’s behalf.

Colin opened one so he would know when to warn everyone else.

He turned on notifications.

A message appeared immediately.

YOU’RE ON THE LIST.

---

Editor’s note: This is satire, not a prediction or celebrity report. The dating claim is unverified. The proposed couple name, fictional broadcast, invented characters and infernal business are the machinery of the joke, not claims about either artist’s beliefs, private conduct or family. “Good Carpenter” versus “Bad Carpenter” is wordplay, not a quotation of a biblical prophecy. Mark 6:3 supplies the carpenter reference; 1 John 2:18 supplies an Antichrist reference. Neither identifies these musicians. The screenshot is reader-supplied; its original attribution and publication rights remain unverified.

The list is apparently growing.

There is still no confirmed couple, prophecy or official signup. There is, however, a link you can send to someone who will want the full investigation.